Dear Aspiring Massacre-ist,

With all the Columbine-style school shootings making the headlines, I cannot help but marvel at the stupidity of the children orchestrating these stunts. Itís kind of like watching a non-stop rerun of the Road Runner where you want to tell the idiot coyote to not step off the goddamned precipice. At least, not until you teach him how to land. SoÖwithout further adieu, I would like to take the future school-shooters of America under my wing.

Are you an outcast? Do you goth-it-up in the hope that you can find some common ground with others who have been picked last in gym class? Did you change your name to Raven or Vampire or something equally evil? Youíre well on your way! Now all you need is a nice little body count for people to know that the darkness of your soul is for real and not just painted on with Hot Topic eye-shadow.

Please note that I have very refined tastes and will be suggesting supplies in the upper echelon of the pricing spectrum. If you canít afford my shopping list, donít get caught stealing or the kids in Juvee will devour your big, pale ass before you ever get to unleash your bloody sorcery. Scale down to the Wal-Mart equivalent. Besides, stealing is wrong and it hurts the economy.

First, I need to make two points:

  1. Plan to die. This is important as it will exponentially increase your body count since you wonít need to begin escape proceedings during your carnival of carnage.

  2. Bring a friend. Two can kill many multiples more than just one. If youíre too much of an outcast to have any like-minded friends just go ahead and commit suicide and spare yourself failing death just like you did life.

The Desert Eagle Recess:

I realize that walking from classroom to classroom and methodically gunning people down is very poetic in an 8-bit Wolfenstein sort of way but itís also grossly inefficient. Why not make them come to you? Lock all exits but one and pull the fire alarm. (Or better yet, set a real fire) Then stand outside and gun the panic monkeys down as they tear out of the building. Improvements upon this can include cutting the phone lines to delay emergency response or even having an accomplice crash into the responding fire truck. Every minute they delay = another body you can flay.

Shopping List:

Extra Credit: If your school assembles together in response to emergencies, then you have it even better. Itíll be like shooting a marching band.

Are your parents strict and wonít indulge your murderous fantasies and buy you weapons? No sweat. The below suggestions account for a lack of firepower. They are short on machismo but quite long on effectiveness. Even if your mom is stricter than Michelle Cossey in Pennsylvania, you can still serve up death to your popular classmates.

Radio-Kool-Aid Treatment:

Work at a hospital. Under the guise of "community service" your mission shall be to acquire radioactive iodine. Also called radioiodine or iodine-131. This hilarious isotope is used for treatment of hyperthyroidism and can be readily dissolved in water. Unfortunately, it only has a half-life of about a week so you canít get too greedy but throw some of this in the schoolís kool-aid machine and you can watch your classmates kill off their thyroid gland and become as fat and lazy as you.

Shopping List:

Extra Credit: drink some of this yourself and keep working in the maternity ward of the hospital. Make the next generation pay for your getting picked last in dodgeball.

The Pro-Start Shower:

What do you get when you short circuit a dozen car batteries? A dirty bomb that all the jihadists of Arabia would envy Ė mostly because itís more voltage than in your average Afghan village. Strong acid burns hurt like hell at first but then feel better only to lull you in to a false sense of hope. If enough surface area is affected, youíre on your way to Hades no matter how good you feel in that emergency room.

Shopping List:


The Pick-me-WAY-up:

Whatís the difference between a cup of coffee and the jell-o shots youíve made for the class? About 10,000 milligrams of caffeine thatís what. Theyíll be bitter as hell which is why you should disguise them in grain alcohol but the effect will be the same. Caffeine is lethal at about 8 grams (80 cups of coffee) but you can get all that goodness in just a few ground up pills with no prescription and then make jello shots as if you were popular and going to a party. Induce a heart attack in those who broke your own fat-encrusted heart.

Shopping List:

Arturo Fuente Opus X-termination:

I know youíve all watched "Thank you for Smoking" and know that nicotine is also much more potent when absorbed through the skin than through the microvilli of your lungs. (Well, not really but the process of burning kills most of the potency). Anyway, nicotine is miscible with water so stock up on the patch, snuff or some fine cigars and freebase their nicotine content into a potent mixture. Dump this into the school swimming pool. Your lifetime of cigarettes in 1 deadly dip.

Shopping list:

So go my children! Go forth and wreak your hatred on the popular kids and the teachers that love them! Just donít forget to kill yourselves too.


School Shooting Consultant