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Paris, France (FR) - Bon Jour Mi Punk-Ass French Snobs,

You are in desperate need of Rioting 101.

Quite honestly, I am shocked that France has not yet surrendered but Im sure a treaty is in the works. Just make sure you negotiate 2/3 occupation so as not to be bettered by any previous occupying forces. Anyway, that aside, I must now express my disappointment. As a mob, its your duty to riot with purpose and style. Look at the US. What was your whole student movement of 68 compared to our Martin Luther King riots? And what is now compared to Rodney King? Fact is that youre all a bunch of pansies and your rioting is commensurate with it.

Figures are still rolling in but so far, things dont look so good. Your body count is pathetically low and your total damage assessment is fairly pedestrian, which is symbolic since you seem to be burning cars instead of the higher-ticket items like homes and buildings. And what about your motivation? A couple of hoodlums hide in a power grid and, OMG! get electrocuted! Who woulda thunk? You should be thanking them for doing it now instead of AFTER shooting someones grandma a few years down the road. Oh wait. France doesnt electrocute people. Thats Florida. Same first letter, same election issues, same economic output, you can see how one can get confused.

But if you have to riot, you may as well do it right. Here are some pointers from a TV riot veteran:

  • Dont burn McDonalds. I know youre upset because of your supposed "disadvantage" and unemployment, but torching the only place where you can get a job along with your Royale with Brie is not too smart.
  • Dont burn cars. Steal them and use them to commit better, more expensive crimes. In 1992, the average Rodney King rioter inflicted $100,000 in property damage. How much can you Frogs personally take credit for? I dont know what your quota is but youd better start torching some more 74 Citroens.
  • Dont demand integration. In 1968, the West Side of Chicago celebrated Dr. Kings passage by dispatching as many Irish and Jews as they could to heaven. Or at least to Kenilworth and Highland Park respectively.
  • Remember that Hijabs arent just a symbol of religious expression, theyre combat gear. No one will know if youre a pious Islamic woman on the way to Mosque or a Riot Ninja ready to unleash some serious civil disobedience. Oh wait, head scarves are illegal in France now...strike that one. One should only riot in legal attire.
  • Dont be selfish. Its pretty self-centered to riot for a better life, more ethnic recognition, better wages or working me me. Look to the Battle in Seattle (the WTO protests of 99) where all the moral vegetarians got together to support the plight of the Guatemalan Bean-picker and punish the Prada and Gucci stores in the same campaign. Now that is selfless!

Im going to keep an eye on how things turn out but I must say that at this point, when its my turn to organize the riots of the Local 911 Union of Overworked Transsexual Technology Workers, Im not likely to hire my manpower in Paris.

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